We are .... PENN STATE!

My oldest has decided she NEEDS to go to Penn State so we went and toured on Friday -- what a GREAT school! Makes me wish I was starting all over again -- which means the negative self-talk and depression really had a party in my head! While I'm listening to the "you can do anything with your life" stories, depression is screaming "you didn't even TRY to accomplish anything ... you missed your chance to really make a difference ... why didn't you (insert whatever) ...?"

Every time we go visit a school I get incredibly emotional and usually quite depressed. I look back at my college years and I don't even remember CONSIDERING that I could do something outside the limits of what I had grown up believing were real limits. The regrets of what "might have been" pile up into a sloppy, gelatinous glob of self-pity and self-destruction.

But, then I look over at my incredible daughter -- smart, independent, self-confident and self-motivated -- and I think, "hey, I didn't do so bad with her..." In her college application essays, I hear a spirit of generosity and service that I feel are a direct reflection of the things I hold important in life and tried to teach my kids. And, then, very quietly, some other part of myself reminds me of the good things in life I have done (other than raise 3 happy, healthy kids):

I went on a mission trip to India for 14 days and taught 1000's of kids about my loving God. I also taught some native pastors there how to make balloon animals so that they could draw crowds to listen to the gospel long after the "white people" were gone.

I finished my master's degree just after turning 41.

I've worked for 18 years in my industry and I STILL love the work I do.

I organized a group at my church who fed families who were forced to live in motels or be homeless.

I learned to play the harp and spin wool into yarn and took drawing classes and have tried a ton of obscure hobbies. I've knitted and crocheted hundreds of baby hats, blankets and sweaters to donate to various charities.

I'm learning to care for my body, feed it healthier and losing weight after hating my body for years.

I've struggled through depression and still lived to tell about it.

I'm learning not to look back at what I didn't do, but to feel good about what I have done and to look forward with eyes searching for things I can still do to make my life, my family and my world a better place. That's not so insignificant!