Did you hear that breaking sound???

I finally pushed through -- at weigh-in tonight, I was 169.8! I've been bouncing around that 170 number but this is the first time I've bounced below that mark. And, after Thanksgiving week, even!

I enjoyed Thanksgiving and ate what I wanted every day, but just tried to really control my portions so that I didn't go over my daily or weekly points.

My "winning outcome" over the holidays is to to continue exercising regularly, despite all the activity that could lure me away. I'm also going to watch my emotional barometer and ask for help or take a break when I need to. And, I'm going to eat mindfully -- whether at a party or church gathering or some other food-centric event.

What's your holiday plan? Do you have one?

We are .... PENN STATE!

My oldest has decided she NEEDS to go to Penn State so we went and toured on Friday -- what a GREAT school! Makes me wish I was starting all over again -- which means the negative self-talk and depression really had a party in my head! While I'm listening to the "you can do anything with your life" stories, depression is screaming "you didn't even TRY to accomplish anything ... you missed your chance to really make a difference ... why didn't you (insert whatever) ...?"

Every time we go visit a school I get incredibly emotional and usually quite depressed. I look back at my college years and I don't even remember CONSIDERING that I could do something outside the limits of what I had grown up believing were real limits. The regrets of what "might have been" pile up into a sloppy, gelatinous glob of self-pity and self-destruction.

But, then I look over at my incredible daughter -- smart, independent, self-confident and self-motivated -- and I think, "hey, I didn't do so bad with her..." In her college application essays, I hear a spirit of generosity and service that I feel are a direct reflection of the things I hold important in life and tried to teach my kids. And, then, very quietly, some other part of myself reminds me of the good things in life I have done (other than raise 3 happy, healthy kids):

I went on a mission trip to India for 14 days and taught 1000's of kids about my loving God. I also taught some native pastors there how to make balloon animals so that they could draw crowds to listen to the gospel long after the "white people" were gone.

I finished my master's degree just after turning 41.

I've worked for 18 years in my industry and I STILL love the work I do.

I organized a group at my church who fed families who were forced to live in motels or be homeless.

I learned to play the harp and spin wool into yarn and took drawing classes and have tried a ton of obscure hobbies. I've knitted and crocheted hundreds of baby hats, blankets and sweaters to donate to various charities.

I'm learning to care for my body, feed it healthier and losing weight after hating my body for years.

I've struggled through depression and still lived to tell about it.

I'm learning not to look back at what I didn't do, but to feel good about what I have done and to look forward with eyes searching for things I can still do to make my life, my family and my world a better place. That's not so insignificant!

Moving in the right direction

Well, I did the 90 minute spin class on Monday and then found myself in there again for a 45 minute class on Wednesday. I did some of the "out of seat" jumps and hills and felt OK. I also got the bike out this morning (in the balmy 50 degree weather) and did a 6 mile ride, so I can say I (almost) officially feel like a biker babe!

The weight's moving the right way, too ... down 1.4 pounds this week. I'm trying so hard to bust that 170 mark -- it's been like the wall I haven't managed to climb yet or that hill I always have to push the bike up. But, if I have to push the body all the way over it, I WILL break that 170 pound mark!

And, today, I'm registering for the Danskin triathlon next September. The friend that dragged me into spinning did it this year and I'm SO jealous! I've wanted to try it for 2 years now, but kept telling myself I can't. Well, next year I CAN and I've got enough time now to start training, so I'm going to spend the money to register today and make it happen!

Stay tuned!